Day 85: Stop: Hammer Time!

You know, I just wanted to come on here as an anonymous person, pretend like I was going to commit suicide, and then stop posting in my online, public journal when the day came for me to pretend to do the deed. That's all.

A little privacy in a public world on the interwebs is all I wanted. Is that too much to ask?

I mean, really. I post a blog every day on a public page that anyone can read. Sure, I can set it to private. I can moderate who reads it and who doesn't, I could have it private if I want to.....but it's the principle of the matter. Realizing that people are actually reading this has given me a lot to think about. What really frustrates me, though, is it is drawing some of my thoughts off of myself, and it's actually making me think of other people. Well, I will tell you this...it's one thing for me to decide, on my own, to maybe think of other people now and then, but it's a completely different story to have other people make me think of someone other than myself.

So I ask, WHAT'S A GIRL GOT TO DO TO GET SOME PRIVACY AROUND HERE?????

I know, some of you may say, why don't you set your blog to private? Ask yourself this, though, Mr and Miss McSmarty-Pants - if I did that, then how would I get people to pay attention to me?

Ya, got no answers for that, do ya?

Well, why don't you just think about that for a while, and I'll see ya tomorrow.

Day 88: Hump and Bump Day

You know, I've had such weird thoughts going through my mind since the decision was made yesterday to end this life as I know it in a few short months. Your mind just suddenly becomes alive, ironically, for the first time in your life as soon as you know your life will soon be over.

At least I have the luxury of knowing, right?

So anyway, my thoughts soon turned to my family. Of course - my family. They're all still alive and kicking. I hadn't even given it a single thought; not one single thought as to how my family would be affected by this arbitrary decision that I just pulled out of my ass a few days ago. How would they react? My parents - the ones who brought me into this world and cared for me throughout my early years. How would they feel when the daughter they sacrificed so much for just decided to errantly end her life? I began thinking about my mother, specifically, knowing that she had - a few years back - dealt with the suicide of a close friend. She would visit the friend's mom to try to find comfort in the incident, but the mom had lost touch of reality completely. I recall how people around her kept hoping and wishing that she would pull through, not really understanding the stigma around what she was facing.

She ended up getting over it, I guess. She still lives in the psychiatric facility that she was checked into 5 years ago, though.



But hey - this isn't about my family. It's about me.

So, I've decided that, moving forward, I will no longer have those negative thoughts about how it may affect others. I've made the decision - it's all for and about me, and for and about nobody else.

It's so amazing how one can be so pragmatic and practical about decisions once they've freed their minds of the burdens of life.

This is going to be fun, guys! Hold on tight!